An Excerpt from the Novel: The Republican Professor

Pronouns

Congrats !, the staff member said as she hung her head into his office.

The professor spun around in his spinning chair. On what, he said.

Tenure ! She said.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

She said, hey, HR asked me to have you come down and fill out a form. It was supposed to be done before tenure. Maybe they lost yours.

Yeah, I saw an email just now. Okay, the professor said. I’ll head down in a minute.

The staff member left and the professor rose, shut the door, and went down to HR.

Hi, the young woman said as the professor came in and walked to the counter in the waiting area.

He introduced himself by name. The young woman asked him to have a seat just for a moment while she checked in back for what they needed.

She came back quickly and laid a piece of paper down on the counter. She said, we don’t have this on file for you, so if you’d fill this out, it would be great, she said, smiling.

When do you need this ? The professor asked.

Right now, would be great, the young woman said.

The form was simple, and instructed the reader to identify a race and a gender.

Why do you need to know this information ? The professor asked.

It’s a requirement to collect for … um…something.

Something ?

Um, I’m not exactly sure, it’s just a form that we have people fill out. I mean I’ve seen you around before and know who you are but I just forgot to ask you, she said, giggling.

Well, you feel you needed this right away, awhile ago, right ?

Yes? The girl stated/asked.

And you’ve seen me, so why didn’t you just fill it out and put it in my file ? Would be a lot faster, and you’d already have it.

Um, well, we aren’t technically allowed to do that .

Oh. Why not ? Seems easy enough. Just a few check marks.

Well, you have to sign it.

Right, but you could have had it filled out already for me, and then I could look it over before signing it.

Um, well, no you have to fill it out, is what I mean.

Why ?

Because we technically don’t know the answer to the questions.

But you’ve seen me.

Yes, she laughed, but that isn’t good enough.

Why not, the professor asked.

Because, like, um, do you want me to get my supervisor ?

If you want to, but I’m just wondering what I’m supposed to do with it .

Fill it out.

But I go by the very same information that you go by. I’m just going to go and look at myself in the mirror. That’s the same information you have.

Well, she said shifting in her seat, um, you have to say how you feel, and that’s not something I can say for you.

These questions are asking how I feel ? They aren’t phrased as feelings questions.

She took the form again and looked the wording over, and the options, as if for the first time. She said, hmmm, and sighed, and then tried to give the form back.

Go ahead and fill it out for me. I trust you, the professor said as he left.

Before the door shut, he heard the girl say, I can’t do that really fast.

I have educational-related work to do, the professor said back through the closing door.

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The professor took a seat in back of the large meeting room.

Congratulations on tenure, the colleague whispered as they sat down in the division meeting. The room was full of faculty and administration.

The professor nodded and winked.

The meeting started with the Dean greeting everyone and introducing the new Executive Vice President.

We’d like to see everyone update their web bios on your department websites with your preferred pronouns.

Is this mandatory, a cranky nearly retired professor asked.

No, not at this time, but let’s set a deadline of by the end of the first month, please, the EVP said, smiling.

The meeting continued and the department secretary approached near where the professor was sitting.

Can I see you after ? The secretary asked in a whisper.

If you can see me well now, I don’t see why not, the professor said, and he winked.

She smiled and melted into the background as the meeting droned on.

———- ————

The Dean ducked into the slightly ajar doorjamb and said to the professor, you gotta sec ?

Sure, the professor said, looking up.

I just noticed you haven’t done your pronouns thing on the website, and if yo….

Dean, pronouns aren’t owned, are they. They aren’t the kind of things that can be owned by a person. Disagree ?

The Dean stood there, mouth ajar, gaping for a moment before regaining composure. The Dean solidified. What do you mean ? The Dean seemed genuinely puzzled. I’m sensing some hostility.

The professor gazed lazily into the Dean’s eyes. The Dean’s eyes appeared slightly hurt.

The professor said, wasn’t there a question dodged here? Wasn’t it a valid question prompted by a legitimate point about the nature of language?

The Dean said, well, you have a name, right ? That’s yours. Why can’t a pronoun be yours, as well ? I don’t understand.

The professor yawned, took a sip of hot coffee. Please have a seat, the professor motioned to the chair on the other side of the round table.

The Dean sat, but as the Dean sat, the Dean’s eyes seemed to be saying “why am I sitting,” while the Dean’s eyes remained on the professor.

The professor said, there have been pronouns used in this exchange. Pronouns like “I” and “you.” Why were those pronouns chosen by the speaker ?

The Dean shifted, smiling. Uh, this is a weird conversation. The website: Are you going to …

There !, the professor said. See. “You.” Why did the speaker pick that pronoun ? Notice, the speaker picked the pronoun, not the listener.

The Dean sat breathlessly. Then exhaled. All right, I’ll play along.

There’s no playing here, the professor said. This is an institution, allegedly, of higher learning. The basic things have to be mastered.

The Dean said, I chose “you” because you , he gestured toward the professor, appear to me,

The speaker, the professor added.

Me the speaker…

“Me!”, interesting word choice. Include an explanation of the choice of that pronoun by the speaker as well, please.

This is ridiculous. Is this about gender ? the Dean queried.

There is nothing ridiculous about it, the professor said.

I chose “me” because I was referring to myself just then, and that’s the correct word choice. And I chose “you,” to refer to you, because that’s the correct word choice for addressing another person, the Dean said flatly. But neither of those is gendered.

But there are rules of language that govern correct usage, the professor noted.

Yeeeesss, the Dean said, with a glimmer of sarcasm.

That’s the whole point. The pronouns aren’t owned by the listener, but are chosen, either correctly or incorrectly, by the speaker , according to the speaker’s understanding of the rules of language.

The Dean sat there. Then the Dean inhaled and kept it in.

So, about your pronouns, the Dean said.

The professor squinted, then glared at the Dean.

What pronouns.

Please choose third personal pronouns for your bio.

Third personal pronouns are just like first and second personal pronouns.

No they’re not, the Dean said, they’re gendered.

They are just like the other pronouns in the sense discussed here, that the speaker chooses the correct one and at the speaker’s discretion, according to the speaker’s understanding of the correct usage governed by the rules of language, not by the listener’s preferences or desires to control the speaker’s usage, the professor said firmly. There has been no update to this basic fact about language ever in human history, including now.

The Dean considered this. The Dean said, but if I use your name…

“Your !”

Yes, you appear to be a person, or am I wrong about that, the Dean snapped.

That’s correct, the professor said, good job.

The Dean said if I call you by the wrong name, the listener corrects. The same with third personal pronouns.

But mothers and fathers, in all but rare cases, assign proper names, and the truth or falsity of a speaker’s usage of a name depends on the degree that that usage satisfies that choice by the mother and father, not the listener, nor the speaker.

People can change their names if they don’t like the name assigned at birth, the Dean countered.

This is true, the professor noted, and it means that the person has taken the job of the father and mother, provided the person is old enough to do so. This is not the normal case but it is true.

What about nicknames ? the Dean asked.

The nicknames are inapt unless they correspond with the correct usage of nicknames, governed again by the rules of language. If the speaker comes up with a new nickname with ill motive, the professor said, the speaker is abusive, and perhaps a bully, the same as if the speaker had come up with an incorrect or even a correct adjective or description though for abusive purposes, and made a name out of the adjective.

The Dean sat there, listening as if for the first time.

The professor continued: But third personal pronouns, though they have distinguishing features according to their person (third, as opposed to first or second), and one of these appears to be gender, the same rules apply.

You’ve really thought about this, the Dean said.

First personal pronouns are unique.

How so? the Dean asked.

They’re indexical, like words like “here,” “now,” “this.” First personal pronouns always refer to the speaker. The one addressed is the one doing the addressing: they are one and the same person in all cases. Second, first personal pronouns like “me, I, my” are not gendered. The same utterance in fact refers to different genders, male or female, depending on the gender of the speaker, but this is not indicated in the morphology, or the spelling, of the word.

The Dean motioned for the professor to continue.

The second personal pronouns, unlike the first personal pronouns, but like the third personal pronouns, can be plural, because any set of listeners referred to by the speaker can include more than one person. “You,” like the first personal pronoun, has the same rules for gender. In the case the speaker refers back to the same speaker, like when looking in the mirror, the term has the same function as the first personal pronoun, and the correctness of the gender referred to is dependent on the gender of the speaker, male or female. In the case where the speaker addresses another set of people, whether they are listeners or not (sometimes those addressed never have the opportunity to listen to the message sent, in which case those addressed are not listeners, but are still addressees addressed by the speaker), the rules of the gender referred to are still dependent on facts of the matter as to whether the listeners (or addressees) are male or female. In the cases where the set of addressees is more than one person, with at least one male and at least one female, then the word “you,” plural, spelled the same as “you” singular, could be referring to both male and female gender at the same time.

The Dean said, you seem to be obsessing about this.

Not really—this is stuff learned a long time ago. Never thought it had to be articulated to a college Dean before.

The Dean shifted, wincing.

Third personal pronouns can appear gendered, true, the professor noted. The professor produced the 1828 Webster’s dictionary and went to the entry for “Man.”

The Dean looked at it.

Notice, the professor said. The first definition is gender neutral. It refers to any human being, regardless of male or female. Look at the example given from the Bible.

Yes, the Dean said. So ?

So “man” in the Declaration of Independence is gender neutral.

Okay.

And the corresponding third personal pronoun is “he,” the professor noted. The professor pointed to Article II of the US Constitution. The professor held it up for the Dean, pointing to the second sentence of Article II.

The Dean said, “The executive power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall …” and the Dean’s voice trailed off.

Hillary Clinton obviously thought that the third personal pronoun was gender neutral.

The Dean considered this.

That’s because Hillary Clinton knows she is a female, the professor added. And yet she thought that she could be president.

What’s the big problem with saying your pronouns again on the website, the Dean asked.

Third personal pronouns are not owned. Speakers are free to use the ones that seem correct according to the rules that govern proper usage. Those rules are not made up or altered on the fly, but have existed for a long time, before anyone remembers.

Okay. So you aren’t going to ….

Everyone knows these rules already. Or, they should.

What about people who get misgendered ?

Pardon?, the professor said.

You know, what about people who routinely get labeled a he when they’re a she or want to be know as a she ?

Nothing is changed as to usage. The speaker decides, not the listener.

Does that mean the speaker is never wrong ?

No. The conditions of being wrong or right are just the same as they’ve been. If the speaker’s understanding is incorrect, though the speaker did the best job possible according to the speaker’s own understanding of the rules governing proper usage, the speaker is not incorrect as to usage, but only incorrect as to fact. Very rarely a female may be misunderstood to be a male, and vice versa. We don’t walk around naked so such misunderstandings, though rare, are possible. In the case of abuse, when a kid, for instance, knows a boy is a male, but —as in the case of a nickname generated on the spot for abusive purposes, a “nickname” that is in fact just a personalized adjective used as a name for abusive purposes—the boy may be called a girl. But in all other cases where the speaker genuinely believes the speaker is referring correctly, by pronoun, to a non-addressee , and that non-addressee who is the subject of the speaker’s comment is not the gender the speaker understood to person to be, then the speaker is not at fault for anything malicious.

You lost me at non-addressee, the Dean said.

The nature of third personal pronouns, the professor said, is that they are used, when they are used correctly, to refer to a non-addressee. That is, the speaker is talking to someone else, besides the one referred to. That’s what distinguishes the third from second personal pronouns. This is a fact third personal pronouns have in common with first personal pronouns, however.

I see, the Dean said, brow furrowed. Anything else ? the Dean said, starting to get up.

Yes, the professor said, and the Dean sat back down. A pronoun in the third “person” can be impersonal. Consider the proper use of the term “It.” The rule is, the term is properly used when the speaker reasonably believes the object referred to is a non-person. But, the speaker’s belief may be wrong.

Huh ?

One is driving along and sees a roll of carpet in the road. The driver decides: do I run over “it” or drive around “it.”

Okay.

If there is a person inside the carpet, then “it”, though it refers to the carpet correctly, incorrectly refers to the bulge in the middle of the carpet.

So, the Dean said, the speaker would be at fault for improper usage.

In that case, if all things considered, the driver should have suspected a person could be rolled up inside the carpet, so that it wasn’t just an “it” after all, but a “he” or a “she,” according to the case if it—the bulge— was male or a female human being—and if the driver had enough time reasonably to investigate, then yes, the driver would be at fault for a type of negligence in usage, and also negligence in driving if the driver decided to drive over the carpet in such a case.

The Dean sat there.

And then, the Dean got up, turned around, and began to leave.

Oh, the professor said. Would you mind putting this on the inside of the office window on the way out ?

The professor handed the Dean a small rectangular sign. It said, “I am a Republican.”

The Dean nearly fainted, but held onto the small sign, and placed it in the window as asked, and glanced back a confused , puzzled look, but it was unclear to the professor whether the confused look had to do with the Dean’s actions taken compliantly just then or the nature of their conversation or the nature of the professor.

The professor said, thanks, winked, and then took a big bite of an apple and a sip of coffee and looked back down to the original work the professor was working on before the Dean had stopped by.

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This has been an Excerpt from the novel, The Republican Professor, by Lucas Mather