Professor, Do You Want to Learn My Pronouns ?

A Dialogue About the Basics of Language

Professor, do you want to know my pronouns ? the student said.

That question, the professor said, used a pronoun. Which one ?

Huh ?

Which one ?

Wait, I’m confused.

Ooh, there’s another one.

Another wha ? the student said.

Another pronoun, the professor said.

Wait, I am like so confused right now.

The question originally was, what exactly. Please repeat it. Thanks, the professor said.

Oh, I asked you if you wanted to learn my pronouns, the student repeated, obeying the command of the professor.

Notice, the professor said, so far in this dialogue, the professor hasn’t used any pronouns whatsoever, and the student has used several.

Oh-kayyyy, the student said, puzzled, trying to remember. I can’t remember exact…

Work on that, the professor said. Work on remembering exactly what was said. It’s kind of important.

Okay.

The professor said, here’s what exactly was said.

[At this point, reader, feel free to review the dialogue above. And pay close attention to what follows].

I see what you mean, the student said.

The professor said, there’s that word “I” again. That’s a personal pronoun in English.

Yes, the student said.

The word “you” popped up a few times , the professor said. That’s also a personal pronoun in English.

Yes, the student said, it is.

So what does it mean, the professor inquired, to “have” or “own” a pronoun ?

Oh, those are I think

There’s a pronoun again.

OMG, that’s true. LOL. Okay, um, well, okay I think that the pronouns I had in mind were—

There it is again, that pesky “I”.

NO !, LOL, okay, I meant , the student said, pausing, grateful that the professor didn’t interrupt again, I just meant do you want to know my th—-

There’s “my” again, a second person singular possessive pronoun. Very possessive. Interesting, the professor noted for the record.

NO !

Yes.

No!, LOL, no, yes, I mean, yeah.

Which is it, no or yeah ?

Yes, I mean, no I see what you mean.

“You?” fascinating.

No, I mean yeah, no, yeah okay I see okay but no I meant third personal pronouns.

Oh.

Yeah. But no, I mean don’t you want to know my third personal pronouns.

I’m going to start using pronouns now, if that’s okay, the professor said. That prior sentence is the very first pronoun I’ve used, and there’s the second one right there I just said, oops, there’s a third use of “I.” Note carefully here’s the 4th use I’m using (there it was). Note carefully that you—and I don’t need to ask you and you don’t need to tell me—used first and second personal pronouns ubiquitously, so this conversation is odd. But it’s odd for another reason. Third personal pronouns are not owned by the person being referred to. They’re designed to refer to the person when the person is not around at all, and they’re used by other people. The third personal pronouns, if they belong to anyone in the conversation, belong to the person using them. Wouldn’t you say that’s correct ?

Um, I’m not sure what you mean.

Well, let’s take it a little more slowly. You just referred to me as you, and I did the same back. No problem, no issue. This is just the proper use of the English language. I use the term I and my for myself, and that’s proper English. I may be in fact wrong if I say “my” when I don’t own the item in question, correct ? But I couldn’t be wrong in using the term me or I to refer to myself, could I ? That’s information I already know.

Tr….rrruuuuee…the student thoughtfully, slowly said.

And similarly, I already know how to use English—which is the language we’re speaking—to properly refer to you . I can use your name or the “you” pronoun as long as I am directly addressing you, correct ?

Correct, the student said, a little more on the ball this time.

And if a claim of ownership is involved, which is basic, and classic political philosophy in action, then “your” might be the word batted around. Does that sound right ?

It does, the student said.

But a claim of ownership might be false, right ?

Um.

If I ask you is this “your” car, and I point to mine, and you say yes, it would be false if we don’t co-own the car. Right ?

Right.

In that case, saying these cars, which are not your cars, are “yours” would be spreading misinformation. If I was Facebook, I would add a little notice to your dialogue box, and I would take myself to be able to limit the reach of your audience for your little fibs. They wouldn’t be your cars. They’d be your fibs.

LOL, okay professor I see your point.

But that would only be if I was a Leftist technocrat who had an inflated sense of self-importance.

Right, the student said.

Glad we agree, the professor said. Notice I didn’t ask permission to use the word “we”. I used the word that seemed to make the most sense of the proper use of the English language.

Tr….r….rrruuue, but I don’t know what this has to do with you learning my pronouns.

Well, what makes you think that you have pronouns, the professor said. I’m the one speaking. And I’m doing a pretty good job of it. Do you think I have given you any evidence whatsoever that I’m an incompetent English speaker ?

No.

I could call you a racist, apparently , if you did, if I was still struggling to learn English.

LOL, professor.

Well, pronouns are pretty basic. If someone is still struggling with pronouns in English, that person is gonna have a rough time getting around town .

True. But what I meant, professor, is my third personal pronouns.

Ah.

Yeah.

But third personal pronouns in English are pretty easy: “It” is a third personal pronoun but is in fact impersonal, agreed ? I’m not calling you it when I refer to you in the third person, which I would only do if I was speaking directly to someone else, not you, because you’re a human being, created in the image of God. Prochoice people—Democrats, mainly—use the term for human babies, inappropriately, but that’s just because they arbitrarily place higher value on some humans at the expense of other humans, and as a result, at the expense of human equality under the rule of law.

— !, the student’s face said.

In terms of singular pronouns, “he” is available, and “she”, the professor said.

There’s also “they.”

“They”’s best usage is plural, in standard English usage, the professor said, unless one does not take oneself to know the sex of the person referred to. So, for instance, if I knew a name, Shannon, was either a male or female , I may temporarily correctly but somewhat awkwardly use the term “they” until I learn the gender. If I continue using “they” after I come to believe that Shannon is a woman, that would be an odd usage.

LOL, true. But it also has to do with what Shannon wants you to say.

No, it doesn’t really. If Shannon got into a car accident, and God bless her heart, her sex is clear in the hospital, I don’t wait for Shannon to wake up before I correctly, under proper English usage, use the term “her” or “she” of Shannon ,--

But—-

Let me finish, please,

Okay, go ahead.

As long as the person referring to Shannon believes at the time that Shannon is a girl, a female, or depending on age, a woman.

The student sighed, and said, yes, traditionally.

Shannon doesn’t have any ownership of the terms other people use.

Even to refer to her ?

Correct. Otherwise Shannon would be a little annoying busybody constantly trying to control what other people believe and say, when they’re just using the English language properly.

By the way, you just said “her” of Shannon. Did you ask Shannon ? the professor added quickly.

Well, no, cuz Shannon is fictional.

No, Shannon is a real person. And I believe she is a woman.

Based on?

Based on my experience and appearances. That’s always what the uses of these pronouns is based on.

So you’re just going by appearances.

And my experience.

Okayyyy.

You appear to me right now to be a human being, based on my experience.

Right.

See what I mean. So I think you’re a person. All humans are persons.

Okay, so what are you assuming of Shannon.

Well , she appears to be a human being as well. She appears to be female . I have not checked, that would be some form of assault.

True.

So, we make assumptions all the time, otherwise we’re , you know, committing crimes all the time. But even in the criminal case, where we double check , relentlessly in grocery stores by feeling, note carefully that feeling is just one of the five senses, and that would be part of the appearance story. We’d still be going by appearances.

True, the student said.

[A small crowd had gathered at some point].

It doesn’t mean that appearances don’t reliably indicate reality, mind you, the professor said. I’m a phenomenological realist. I think the way God designed the world, our senses do give us truth about reality quite often, and with reason, we can come into contact with reality , and we often do.

Okay. But.

So where does that leave us ?

I originally just want to know if you want to know my pronouns.

You want to control, or manage, how people talk about you behind your back ?

Yeah, well, no, um…kind of. I guess.

But just in terms of pronouns ?

Um, well, no.

I’d say the pronouns are probably the easiest thing to get. What’s far more difficult, often , are the moral predicates, like courageous, just, kind, patient, humorous, good-natured, not-controlling, not totalitarian, etc. But those predicates aren’t “yours” in the sense that you can just announce, or inform others, of how to talk about you behind your back or in a document, either. Those are things, like how you appear to us in terms of sex, that we learn, or come to believe, as we get to know you. And if we’re truthful people, we’ll use those terms correctly , according to our beliefs anyway, without having to be told by you, or supervised by you , at all.

Hmmm, the student said.

And if I have a belief about what your sex is, or gender, it’s my belief , not yours, that makes the usage of the third personal pronoun proper. Most of the time, it seems, those two things are not in conflict. What happens when they are ? The belief of the speaker determines whether the usage is correct, not the belief of the person referred to, the professor said. Does that sound right to you ?

But the speaker could in fact be wrong, right.

Oh sure, I agree, the professor added. But it’s incorrect usage, the professor noted, for the usage to conflict with the speaker’s belief at the time of the usage. In that sense, the person being referred to doesn’t own the pronoun. It’s the speaker’s belief, if anything, that determines the correct usage of the English language. But it’s a little awkward, as we’ve said above, for pronouns themselves to be owned. Gender is owned, perhaps, but not the usage of third personal pronouns by others.

Ah, I see, the students said. Many students nodded their heads, smiling, and the professor smiled back.

So, you got anything fun planned for the weekend ? the professor asked.

Umn, yeah , I’m going to the beach with my mom, and then to lunch.

Oh, cool, which beach ?

Um, probably Huntington.

Awesome, where for lunch ?

I don’t know, probably we’ll just decide on the fly.

Awesome, tell her I said I for me.

Wait, you know my mom ?

No, the professor said. Doesn’t mean I can’t say hi to her, though.

Trueee. Your weird, professor.

“You’re”, the professor said. Could be I’m just friendly. Have a good time.

See you next week, professor, she said, as the professor ducked into his car.

[And the crowd dispersed into the parking lot and everyone went their separate ways].