Professor, R Peeple Born Gay

On this day

4 years ago

Professor, do you believe that people are born gay?

Oh no, not this again, an older, crustier John Lennon-type student said. [The raspy words crawled through decades of cigarette tar to get out to the classroom]

Actually, I don't think we've talked about that, kind of off topic but I suppose we could chat about it, the professor offered.

Did you just call me Ashley, professor hahahahahahahahaha, the raspy voice cackled and hollered.

The class said: hahhahahahahahahahaha

After a moment, the professor said, I'm very proud of you. I walked right into that one, didn't I.

YES YOU DID hahaha, John Lennon student said.

It was quiet, and the original student said, well?

Oh, no not generally . I don't believe that. Actually, never.

Ashley ! ahahhahahahahahhhhahah, the students all said, besides one, who was a man with long dark hair, looked like an Indian, and just smiled in the back.

Wow, what's with me today, I must be tired.

That's TWICE, the older loud John Lennon raspy cigarette tar student said.

Why don't you think people are born gay, some one asked. I mean...

Well, first of all, we're talking about the definition of marriage, right. So it's kind of off topic.

Well, you said you and your wife have a gay marriage, the student said.

Well, that was in office hours, and that was only because you asked. I think every marriage should be as gay as humanly possible, the professor said.

And the students said: AHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHHAHAHAHAHAH, again, besides the long haired American Indian man sittiing quietly in the back, smiling. [He looked like he had a Buck Knife folder on his belt probably] [Praise God].

[The dictionary was still shining on the board for all to see using the Doc Cam, and the professor turned to the word "gay" and to the word "marriage" and the laughter quieted down. It was Funk and Wagnalls from 1984, volume 1, hard bound edition. A-M.]

This is the dictionary I used growing up. Served me very well, the professor said. Still does. I love the English language.

The professor flipped a few pages down from Marriage. Gay: 1) happy and carefree.

[And the students' eyes began moving rapidly, trying to digest this information.]

Seems to me, the professor said, that whenever a baby is born--and it's babies that are born, human babies in there, file those data away when we come to abortion--

[The students' eyes began flinching, involuntarily]

--that whenever a baby is born, the professor continued, he or she...let me repeat that, not "it" , but HE or SHE is crying, the professor said before pausing.

The students sat there looking up at the screen and up at the professor and they were really, deeply ingesting this profound material, before the loud older Raspy one, who by now was moving one of her legs up and down like some kind of erratic calf raise exercise machine at 24 Hr Fitness at 5x the speed, before she barked, THAT's true that's definitely TRUE I KNOW I aughta know I GAVE BIRTH to THREE of THEM MYSELF hahahaha, and she looked around and back and then looked around again and kept moving her leg up and down like that for another minute.

Everyone looked back at the professor, and he said, so no, I don't think people are born gay. They're born sad.

The students began smiling and looks of recognition crossed their faces, and the professor added, but remember--file this away--it's people, PEOPLE, bearers of rights, created in the image of God (probably, we'll get to that), who are born, the professor said. But yeah, people are born sad. They cry.

Except...me. I was born gay, the professor offered, sheepishly.

The students could not not be engaged, they kept trying to look away and think of something else, anything, but could not, every students eyes were wide , and the professor continued, I was not crying when I came out of the womb, he said.

What, the student said.

I was laughing my friggin ass off, the professor said.

Students: AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

I was. I slid out of there like Celebrity Sports Center and I thought this shit was the funniest thing I had ever seen. I was like, are you friggin kidding me.

Students: AHHHAHAHAHAHHA, with tears this time

I took the doctor's mask off and put it on myself, took his glasses and put em on upside down, I was grabbing at machines, they tried to cut the umbilical cord and things got serious for a sec, cuz at first I thought they were joking, then I realized they were serious, and I was all this is bullshit naw that's my food not without a fight ...

Students: HAHAHAHAHAHAH, more tears, gasping for breath, 'oh my go, oh my god'

I was all, now it's on motherf...as I grabbed the scissors out of that one guys hand. I took her hat and threw it across the room. I still hadn't even figured out which one was mom.

Students: calming down, still said, ahahah oh, halellol m oh sit lhahah

But in general, I was pretty gay. I had a happy infancy. Shitty toddlerhood, but infancy, adolescence, that was fun times.

[And it was the end of class, and they'd had long days, and the professor promised more challenging material ahead, and great understanding and enlightenment on controversial things, if they would just stick with it and challenge themselves].

[And as the students filed out of class in front of the professor, each nodded and smiled and said thanks professor and finally it came to the Indian, the quiet one in back, with long hair, and he nodded and smiled a little shyly, and the professor could see, there were slight wet marks on the sides of his eyes, he had finally laughed, too]

And the professor, alone by himself, packed up his dictionaries, his things, his lunch, coffee, and turned the lights out but turned back to face the classroom once more, and he eeked out God bless America, as he flipped the lights off, and closed the door.

Copyright Lucas J. Mather

Originally published to Facebook Thur 4 June 2020 at 1:49 pm